6 Major Reasons of Grey Divorce

Everything You should Know About this Growing Trend In Older Adults

“18 years of togetherness as friends, couple, as parents, and well-wishers to each other. The journey has been of growth, understanding, adjusting, and adapting.” – Dhanush (Actor)

(Upon announcing their separation with Aishwarya Rajnikanth, after 18 years of marriage.)

Divorce… A difficult phase… isn’t it? This was considered a social stigma around a few years ago. But now people are accepting divorce as normal. Once considered a thing of west, this has become a norm in the Indian social set up too. Now the latest trend is grey divorce. A phenomenon where the couple decide to part ways in their grey years, i.e. being in the marriage for a long time. As more and more celebrities are posting about their grey divorce on social media, this has become the new normal.

The news channels and the social media plat forms are bombarded with the news associated with celebrity couples getting divorced in their grey years. There is heightened speculation of their relationship being ended for no major reason as stated by the couple.

Divorce is often associated with younger couples, and a decision made out of immaturity or in haste. But a growing trend in the latest years is the phenomenon of “grey divorce” — the dissolution of marriages among individuals aged 50 and older. This rising trend is quite disturbing socially. The question is after being in the relationship for so many years what forces them to make this decision. Especially when the children are quite grown up and one has enough time to focus on each other and can work towards the relationship. This demographic shift has captured attention globally, particularly in developed countries, as older adults increasingly choose to part ways in pursuit of personal happiness, independence, or a fresh start.

Relationship experts and socio psychologists warn against this situation.

What is Grey Divorce?

Grey divorce refers to the separation or divorce of couples aged 50 and above, often after decades of marriage. The term “grey” signifies the older age group and their life stage, often characterized by retirement, empty nests, and significant life transitions.

While overall divorce rates have stabilized or declined in many countries, the rate of grey divorces has steadily increased. In the United States, for example, studies show that divorce rates among individuals over 50 have doubled since the 1990s.

Reasons Behind Grey Divorce

When a matured couple, who have seen many ups and down of life decide to give up on their marriage, then there should be some strong reason behind it. Isn’t it! As a marriage and family counsellor I have dealt with couple who are 60+ years and they do not want to stay together anymore. well, several factors contribute to the rising trend of grey divorce:

1. Empty Nest Syndrome:

Couple continue to stay in the marriage despite their difference just for the sake family and children. When children leave home, couples may realize that their primary connection revolved around parenting. Children were the sole grounding for their marriage and the only purpose for the survival of the relationship. Without this shared purpose, emotional distance or unresolved conflicts can become apparent. As the children move out of the house in the pursuit of their goals the couple find no reason to stay together and beans of bitterness spill all over.

2. Increased Life Expectancy:

As per Gottman, a person spends a major portion of ones’ life in the relationship with the same partner. So, if the relationship is a dissatisfied one, the person will be unhappy too. With people living longer, couples may feel less inclined to stay in an unfulfilling marriage. They may choose to pursue happiness and independence rather than remaining in a stagnant relationship. As the life expectancy has increased, people do not wish to stay any longer in an unhappy relationship and hence opting out of relationship in the later years of life. The reason could be to find peace, happiness for oneself, self-love, fulfil long lost personal goals, or to find love for the second time.

3. Financial Independence:

In the good old days, one of the major reasons behind people continuing in the same relationship, though unhappy, was inter dependence. Men were dependant on women for non- materialistic needs. In other words, women used to look after the family and men were the major bread winners. And women were dependant financially on men. This social set up forced the couple to stay together and endure the ups and downs in the marriage. In today’s scenario women, are now more financially independent than in previous generations. This economic empowerment gives them the freedom to leave unsatisfactory marriages.

4. Evolving Social Norms:

Social pressure, pressure from family and growing up kids, were the major reason behind a couple continuing to stay in an unhappy marriage. But this thought process is so yesterday. Divorce is no longer as stigmatized as it once was. Older individuals feel less societal pressure to “stick it out” and are more willing to prioritize their well-being. Evolving social norms have become more accepting towards divorces and hence people are not hesitating to get divorced in their later years.

5. Personal Growth and Mismatched Goals:

Couple put their goals, dreams and aspiration on the backburner for the sake of family, children and the relationship itself. But once, this older couple get a break from their responsibilities the couple might feel the void and turn towards their unfulfilled aspirations. Over decades, personal values, goals, and interests can diverge. What may have worked in their 30s may no longer suit their needs in their 50s or 60s. These mismatched goals may drift them apart.

6. Infidelity or Emotional Disconnect:

Grey divorce mostly happens in the later years of a midlife crisis. This is a very fragile time when a couple is unhappy in their relationship for various reasons. Couple experience an emotional disconnect, as both are too busy in their job, raising children and taking care of other responsibilities. Trust issues, infidelity, or simply growing apart emotionally can lead to the decision to separate.

Emotional Impacts of Grey Divorce

The aftermath of grey divorce can be emotionally taxing for the individuals involved. It is equally draining and leaves turmoil in their life for a major period of their life. Some couples might be able to navigate through this tough phase whereas others might face hard times.

Sense of Loss:

Though a long-term marriage can be unhappy or unfulfilled, it is woven with some happy moments, too. The end of a long-term marriage can lead to grief over the loss of shared history, companionship, and routines.

Loneliness:

A relationship is all about companionship for a lifetime. In the grey years, people feel the need for companionship more in emotional and mental terms. The absence of a life partner during retirement years can result in feelings of isolation and loneliness. This leads to depression too.

Identity Crisis:

Playing the role of a spouse for years and doing nothing else, and then, all of a sudden that role doesn’t exist! Isn’t that shocking? Yes, it is. Many older adults struggle to redefine their identity outside of their roles as a spouse or caregiver. Redefining oneself or establishing oneself with new identity is a major challenge at this age which is quite taxing mentally & emotionally.

Family Dynamics:

For children who have been living with parents for all these years, whether a perfect family or not so perfect , they learn to accept this and move on. But once they see their parents divorcing at this ripe age, they find it hard to digest this as acceptance is not easy. Even adults, may feel shock, sadness, or resentment over their parents’ divorce. This can strain family relationships and create additional stress.

Financial Implications of Grey Divorce

Finances, alimony has always been a major challenge in divorce cases. Divorce at this stage in life has unique financial challenges. If both the partners are financially independent, then this question is not a major challenge. But in most of the cases where either of the partner is financially dependant or dependant by any other means, then making financial division is a big question.

Division of Assets:

Dividing decades’ worth of marital assets, including retirement funds, properties, and investments, can be financially and emotionally taxing.

Impact on Retirement Plans:

Grey divorce often disrupts retirement plans, as individuals may now need to finance their later years independently.

Alimony and Support:

Spousal support or alimony may become a necessity, especially if one partner is financially dependent on the other.

Healthcare and Insurance:

Changes in marital status can affect access to healthcare benefits and insurance plans, further complicating financial stability.

Coping with Grey Divorce

Divorce, whether mutual consent or under unavoidable circumstances, is mentally and emotionally excruciating for both. Divorce in the later years is a major challenge as finding rehabilitation post-divorce is difficult. Making arrangements for unforeseen situations doesn’t seem to be easy. Navigating grey divorce requires emotional resilience, practical planning, and support systems. Here are some strategies:

Seek Professional Guidance:

As a therapist I suggest seeking professional help is mandatory to discuss pre and post-divorce challenges and to decide whether, to make such a major move. Therapy can help individuals process their emotions and build resilience. Professional guidance comes as a great help while going through this trying times.

Divorce Lawyers:

Psycho-legal lawyers come as a ray of hope as one goes through emotional turmoil and struggling with the legalities of divorce. Legal experts ensure fair asset division and financial settlements. They also help one understand the challenges of divorce and post-divorce, especially if finances and kids are involved.

Financial Planners:

Financial decisions & planning for the future, post-divorce is a crucial move. Financial advisors can help restructure retirement and financial goals post-divorce. Taking professional help is quintessential to avoid financial glitches in the future.

Build a Support Network:

Emotional support is what a person goes through a divorce. Lean on friends, family, or support groups for emotional encouragement. Joining communities of individuals undergoing similar transitions can foster understanding & acceptance.

Focus on Self-Care:

Divorce is not a dead end. It’s a beginning of a new chapter. Hence indulge in self- love and self-care to begin with the second innings. Engage in activities that promote physical and mental well-being, such as exercise, hobbies, or travel. This is also an opportunity to rediscover personal passions.

Redefine Goals:

Choosing a divorce in the grey years was conscious choice to focus self wasn’t it? Create a vision for this new chapter in life. Whether it’s pursuing a career, traveling, or learning a new skill, setting goals can provide a sense of purpose. Begin this new life by redefining goals.

Open Communication with Family:

Communication is the key. Speak to you family about your intentions and how the post- divorce life is going to be. Discuss how you plan to stay in touch with the family and ask their opinion too. Address family dynamics sensitively to maintain healthy relationships with children and other relatives.

The Bright Side of Grey Divorce

Choosing for a grey divorce is a conscious decision made by both partners or either of them. While the challenges of grey divorce are significant, it also offers opportunities:

Personal Growth:

Marriage forces individuals to put their aspirations on the back burner many times. Family & kids become their priority. This adjustment causes frustration, and pent-up emotions over a period of time. This becomes the reason for divorce sometimes. Many individuals rediscover themselves and build fulfilling lives post-divorce.

New Relationships:

People choose divorce over leading a loveless life. The end of a long-term marriage doesn’t mean the end of love. Many find companionship and romance later in life. People find stable and secure relationship post- divorce in the grey years.

Freedom and Independence:

No more kids, no more in-laws and other responsibilities. Grey divorce allows individuals to prioritize their happiness and live life on their terms. Now this is what one was looking for in the life. Isn’t it.

Grey divorce is a testament to the evolving nature of relationships and the changing priorities of older adults. While it can be a difficult journey, with the right support and mindset, individuals can navigate this life transition to find fulfilment and happiness. Let’s remember, it’s never too late to start afresh. Whether through personal growth, new connections, or rediscovering passions, grey divorce is not just an ending—it’s a new beginning.

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